Anna DeStefano's Blog

Between projects, I clean. I nest. I sort and stack and organize and sift through old files and old ideas and basically drive myself crazy trying to create the perfect working environment I think I need so I can write free again after burning out on the last project…and there’s always a burn out phase. Just like there’s always a “before the writing” phase…

This time, I’ve spent as much energy outside of my house as possible, because I needed the energy in my home office to settle down–significantly–after my Dark Legacy release came at the same time as a book deadline for my Atlanta Heroes series (excerpts coming tomorrow for that story, promise!). I was a waste of space and air when October 1st hit, so I hit the road and visited with friends and explored my home town and drove up into the mountains (literally, because I’m only an hour from the North GA mountains and it’s fall and I couldn’t NOT feel some of that). And I came home between each trip/visit and STILL nested and sorted and cleaned…

I was digging for something, I realized.

Something to help me find my way as I move forward. Something to help me believe, as all writers have to believe, that I still have stories to tell and a burning desire to share them with the world. That I can still reach into my heart and soul and pluck out emotions and images to portray those emotions that will reach into a reader’s world and make their hearts and souls feel what the characters in my books feel.

I mean, I’ve been published for going on 5 years now. This is supposed to be science by now, right? A + B = Award-winning, completed manuscript… There must be something in my files and piles of old work papers and half-formed ideas and drafts that will help get me back on the fast track to my next deadline!

Friday, I hit the files from my first few sales. I didn’t have much time, but I wanted to finish cleaning before we left for the mountains… Fast, fast fast–I WOULD find my answers and get my mess cleaned up and get packing. No time to waste. As you might guess, that’s the moment when everything ground to a halt. Because I’d fallen into a time in my writing when nothing was fast. Everything was about waiting and working and digging deeper and trying to believe I’d one day have a successful career in this writing business I couldn’t break into.

There were countless notebooks of notes and drafts and charts and outlines for each of the stories that would become my first three sales.One of those books had been a completed manuscript that I had to not just rewrite but re-plot in order for it to become my third sale. I had notebooks and planning stuff from the first draft, the revision notes from the editor who wanted me to rewrite it, and the editorial critiques she and my agent sent as I worked on it for over a year. Did I mention this was my THIRD sale.

I started to remember the struggle and the doubt and fear of those days. The belief that I’d never get it. That I’d never make it. I found a goal sheet, where I’d committed to one day selling multiple books a year on spec and one day I wanted to write for two publishers. I would do series romance and mainstream releases. I would find an audience and multiple publishers who would understand my voice and my stories and give me a place to write where my and other people’s imaginations could feed on. It was a time of great doubt and frustration and exhaustion, and I was so looking forward to finally getting to another place. A place exactly like where I am now, trying to write 2-3 complete manuscripts a year for two different series sold to two different publishers…

But…where did my A+B=C go??? Where did the, “This HAS to get easier the longer I do it,” go???

What I realized as I cleaned up and packed for my Autumn mountain getaway was that some things are much easier now.Selling to publishers I have an existing relationship with (though projects have still been rejected several times after I first sold). Planning and plotting new stories and series–it doesn’t take notebooks full of confusion and years to get a handle on each story anymore. Hearing from readers and reviewers who connect with my work (winning awards and receiving supportive reviews is always nice, though negative feedback is waiting around every corner, too, once you put yourself on the stage and play for the crowds).

But some things get harder with time and experience. The more you know about the craft and art of storytelling, the more you know you don’t know nearly enough. The more you want to do. The deeper you want your characters and conflicts and plots to take your reader, which is a whole lot harder than figuring out basic story structure or plotting or character arc.

So… I wondered as I stared at all the hard work that I used to take a year to do that I’m now challenging myself to do in just a few weeks/months as I try to stay on a busy writing schedule, is it any wonder that I burn out? Is it really that surprising that I still feel as clueless sometimes as I did five years ago? I have to remember, I realized, that I’m equally frustrated about the process, but that my process has changed and grown and flourished and gifted me with wonderful insights and successes. I’m not failing, because I still feel inadequate. I’m succeeding, because I’ve refused to be satisfied. Because I want more for my stories and readers and myself…

I wanted so much more back then, I remembered as I stored those old notes away. I still want so much more.That wanting is what’s gotten me this far, and it’s what’s taking me further as I sit down to write today. And plan. And plot. And dream of character. What was painful five years ago is old hat now, but there are new struggles and doubts to conquer. There always will be. And I’ll fight through them now, just as I did then.

It’s not really burn out I’m feeling. It’s the fear of the unknown that’s always waiting for me whenever I dream big. A new road awaits me, now that I’ve conquered the old one and can look back at it from my rear-view mirror. And the unknown is always a scary thing. That’s why it’s good for us to look back at how far we’ve come, what we’ve achieved and what it’s cost us. Those goals we’ve met, and even the ones we haven’t yet, are badges of honor. They’re proof that we’re fighters. Champions of doubt and fear. Road warriors who aren’t afraid to strike out on new adventures, instead of resting too long on the memories of old ones.

I gave myself one more weekend to rest, before diving into those unknown “next” projects . I stared at beautiful, changing leaves that reminded me that all seasons disappear as life transitions into a new phase. I did only those things that I wanted to–the things that made me most happy. I fed my soul. So that today, I could step back into my tidy office and remember that writing and creating and challenging myself with hard, difficult deadlines also makes me happy. Doing what I’d once dreamed I might never be able to is the more I wanted then, but it’s only a beginning now…

My hope for all my blog friends–writers and readers alike??? Share some snaps of mountain beauty with me. Share some of this rambling wisdom. Then get back to your hard-fought-for dreams…and work even harder to make the next ones happen ;o)

 

Tags: writing articles

This entry was posted on Monday, October 12th, 2009 at 4:45 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.